I have not seen this weekend’s big HBO movie, X-Men: Dark Phoenix. So why, you may be wondering, have I been tasked with writing the “Hey, X-Men: Dark Phoenix is on HBO” post? It’s because I am not only the biggest X-Men fan at Decider, but the biggest X-Men fan you now know (unless you personally know Jay and Miles, I guess). I’m currently writing this while holed up in my home office, in front of a literal wall of X-Men comics, posters, action figures, statues, Pizza Hut cups, and yes, even pogs. I’ve spent 27 years spending money on all of this stuff, but I couldn’t spend the money to see X-Men: Dark Phoenix in theaters? That’s a sign, y’all.
After those dire reviews rolled in, I figured I didn’t need to see another bad adaptation of my favorite X-Men story ever (do I already own “The Dark Phoenix Saga” comics in six different formats? Yes, yes I do). Instead, I rewatched the ’90s animated series’ take on it, an adaptation that absolutely rips even by 2020 standards. Hell, I even got major “Dark Phoenix” vibes from Chilling Adventures of Sabrina! Why in the world do I need to watch a dulled down version of the story that, yet again, does not involve a highfalutin fetish club or a cadre of spandex-clad alien warriors? Sheesh!
But… my oh my, times have changed. I think I’ve finally found the perfect circumstances to finally watch X-Men: Dark Phoenix under: the Coronavirus quarantine that we’re all suffering through. Because honestly, compared to being trapped in my apartment, another X-movie that once again transfers all of the agency of the female characters present in the original text onto old white men doesn’t seem so bad! In fact, I’m so starved for new content and just something to do that the prospect of live-tweeting a film that I once vowed I would never suffer through seems exciting—even X-citing.
So that’s where I’m at and, if you also avoided this movie during its theatrical run, maybe that’s where you’re at too. Maybe HBO making this movie available to stream comes at just the right time, a time when we can set aside old grudges that seem incredibly trivial compared to [gestures outside his window]. I have no ill will towards X-Men: Dark Phoenix, not anymore. And I’m ready to livetweet the hell outta this trainwreck.
So, yeah, uh, since #XMenDarkPhoenix debuts on HBO this Saturday, I’m gonna live tweet it. I have never seen it. And this is how big of an X-Men, specifically “Dark Phoenix Saga,” fan I am. Read my heart break in real time!! Or maybe not?? pic.twitter.com/ArkyzqTdiY
— Brett White (@brettwhite) March 20, 2020